Riverwide
by Aama
Summary: Kikyo's thoughts on InuYasha, herself, and what they could have been together. *finished*!!!
1. Part One

This is my second IY fic (I did have another on FF under the name "Inez", but my account was deleted...grrrrr. I might re-post it if I stop being so lazy ^_^) Anyways, this fic is mainly a thought peice. Not much action or dialogue...just some deep thinking on Kikyo's part. I was getting kinda annoyed with how people view her as a bitch with no motive, so decided to shed some light on her (or how she is in my opinion).  
  
This is my first song fic (good ones are hard to write!), so please bare with me. It's based on a song by Sheryl Crow called "Riverwide" off her last album The Globe Sessions (in case you're curious...its track #3). I'm sure that few of you who are reading this have heard the song since it didn't get air-play or a video, but the fic is just inspired by it, not dependent on it.  
  
This is going to probably be a 4 or 5 part fic (not really sure yet...I'll have to wait and see ^_^)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own InuYasha or Kikyo...or any of the other characters. I'm just borrowing them so I can make them think and do whatever I want them to. ^_^  
  
Riverwide  
  
Part One  
  
  
  
*****I spent a year in the mouth of a whale with a flame and a book of signs. You'll never know how hard I've failed trying to make up for lost time.*****  
  
  
  
Do you have any idea of the days I spent thinking of you, looking down on you, trying to reach you in some way? Do you have any idea of all the times I wondered why I decided to let you sleep instead of killing you? If I wanted you to live, why did I wish to die so much? Why did I give up and allow myself to slip away to the Afterlife? Why was I so content once I got there? Why was I so enraged when I was torn from there and thrust into this fake body made of earth?  
  
And why do I ask these questions to you if you are not even here to listen to them? If you are there--with her...  
  
But what exactly did I expect when I was dragged back here to the place of the living? To see you alive and well? Of course not. I expected that you would still be sealed to the tree where I left you fifty years ago. I didn't expect for you to have been awakened.  
  
  
  
*****Once I believed in things unseen, I was blinded by the dark. Out of the multitude to me he came and broke my heart.*****  
  
  
  
So many times in the Afterlife did I wonder about you. Us. What we could have been or could have had together. But then I would remember that day when I died and you went to sleep for fifty years. How I trusted you. How you tore into me with your claws, attempting to steal my life just so that you could touch the jewel. How you took advantage of my trust and betrayed me. But that girl--what did she say to me that night I tried to take you with me to hell?  
  
"You're wrong to hate InuYasha! Fifty years ago...someone else tricked you and InuYasha into turning on each other. His name is Naraku!! He's you're true enemy!"  
  
Did the girl speak the truth? Or was she desperate to save her own skin--and yours as well? But if what she said was true, who is this creature she spoke of? Naraku...  
  
How ironic it is. The days before we both were separated from this world were oddly enjoyable for me. I liked seeing you, even if your visits were centered around you trying to find a way to take the jewel from me. For some strange reason, I looked forward to seeing you hiding in the brush, waiting for me to pass. You would try to attack so many times, but I would never harm you when I retaliated. I think about those days now and actually believe that I felt an emotion for you that was similar to love. And that you felt the same for me, even if your pride continuously refused to allow it to show in your actions toward me.  
  
I was always so confused by you. You, a demon who spent your time either alone or with me, a mortal. Ah, yes. How foolish of me to forget how abnormal the two of us were--and still are. You are only a half-demon, and I am in reality only a half-mortal. My soul is divided from me, and my body is no more than a concoction of my own bones and the earth itself. Neither of us fit into our societies the way two people should. Perhaps that is why we were so drawn to each other, so comforted by each other, and yet so uncertain of each other. I didn't know what to think of you and your constant presence around me, your way of watching me that made my inner-most parts burn, your wildness, your confidence. And you didn't know what to think of me and my strange aloofness, my nonclalant solitude, my calm and otherwordly demeanor that was nothing more than a facade that protected me from those who wished me dead. We were so much alike. And yet so horribly different. You, a creature that I was comanded by position to fight against; and me, not merely a woman, but a priestess who held the thing you desired most and could not obtain.  
  
Why the hell did all of this happen? What crimes did we commit to deserve the punishment we were given? Was it our relationship? Was our strengthening friendliness forbidden? Or was it what our friendliness towards each other could have become if left unchecked?  
  
Was I blinded by this unknown creature that girl spoke of? As she claimed, were we both blinded? I know that you stole the jewel. I saw it in your hand when my arrow peirced your chest. I saw it fall to the ground. I picked it up and carried it heavily to my grave. But did I imprison you because you stole the jewel...or because I thought you betrayed me? Was it my position as priestess that forced me to do what I did, or was it my raw emotions?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Please review and tell me your thoughts on this so far. I'm really nervous about writing a fic that centers mostly on Kikyo's thoughts, since she doesn't seem to have that many fans out there.  
  
Constructive criticism is more than welcome!!!! ^_^ 


	2. Part Two

Part Two  
  
*****When the dust in the fields has flown, And the youngest of hearts has grown, And you doubt you will ever be free, Honey, don't bail on me.*****  
  
  
  
It is still hard for me sometimes to acknowledge that fifty years has passed since I died and you were sealed away. To me it seems like only yesterday that I was standing in front of you, cursing you in my heart for what you did to me, while watching your eyes slowly close as the sleeping spell washed over you.  
  
I try constantly to forget that the last thought that ran through my mind before I died was centered on you, and only on you. How strange that I didn't think of Kaede, or the village that depended on my powers, or even the blinding pain of my own dying body. But you. I thought of you. Even worse than merely thinking of you, I wondered to myself if my arrow had caused you pain before you were put under the spell. I actually worried that I had caused you pain. In my dying moment, I felt guilty.  
  
And now, when my guilt has been replaced with a burning lust for vengeance, I still wonder why you don't hate me for putting you to sleep for fifty years. You seem so calm now, so unlike how you were the days that I knew you. Back then you were unpredictable and dangerously wild, but now you seem so peaceful, almost as if everything that has ever caused you pain is being slowly dissapated. And I know why. You have abandoned me for that girl-child with my face and my stolen soul.  
  
Such irony. Such torture. To see that she has changed you. To see that you were changed by her kindness, her gentleness, her softness. Her. Not me. I told Kaede this once before. What I had once wanted to do so badly--melt your frozen and untrustworthy heart--that girl is doing in my stead. If I had lived would I be the one changing you, melting you? Or is it fate that I move aside and allow that girl to take my place? For that is all she is, is she not? My replacement.  
  
That is the one thing I am unsure of. She has my appearance and soul, but she is so different. She, unlike I was I was in my days of living, is not obligated. She is free to be who she is. Her position is not forcing her to succumb to a life of constant emotional solitude. She is free to love you as I once wanted to do. And you are free as well.  
  
I had wanted to be free of myself once. To give you the jewel, Inuyasha, and allow you to become a man. And when the jewel was no longer in this realm, I would no longer be a priestess, only a woman. We would become a man and a woman. How simple it all seemed. And now that girl, as well as my own sister Kaede, say that it was not you but a demon called Naraku who attacked me that day and tore my hope for us apart.  
  
Ah, I remember him now. Kaede told me who he was once known as. The wounded thief, Onigumo, that I tended to in that secluded cave. He became Naraku. But why? For what reason? Why hate me after I cared for him so, even when he deserved nothing? Why hate you, InuYasha? What ties did you have with him?  
  
I feel abandonment like a stone upon my back, pushing me into the earth. I feel separated from all things living, for I am not truly alive. Not truly. Only a false being wandering the earth, stealing the souls of others to sustain myself long enought to find you and take my vengeance. But now I am being to doubt myself. Why do I wish for your death so much? Why do I wish to put myself to rest?  
  
  
  
*****River is wide and oh so deep, and it winds and winds around. I dream we're happy in my sleep, floating down and down and down.*****  
  
  
  
After I was brought back from the Afterlife and forced into this false body, I dreamed of you many times. Always, there was something between us, separating us, keeping me from touching you or sometimes even seeing you. I remember there was a river between us. I could barely see you on the opposite bank, but I knew that you were there. I could sense you and sometimes hear you speaking softly to me. It always reached me as a whisper even though I know that you must have been shouting. But I could never understand what you were saying. I strained myself trying to listen to you, but I could never even pick up a single word.  
  
Once I even thought to try to swim the width of the river. But something was keeping me back. Nothing restrained me physically; it was all inside my head. Something told me that the water was too deep, the current too strong, the river too wide--that you were only an illusion. That you weren't really there at all. That you were somewhere else...across the barrier of time--with her.  
  
And I always woke up weeping pitifully. Ashamed, I would slap myself as if I were a lunatic, trying to rip your blazing image from my head. Your eyes, like looking into the sun itself, would still burn in my brain. Gods how you taunted me! Gods how you still continue to taunt me! Even though the dreams are less frequent and less pungent, I still catch a glimpse of you every now and then when I close my eyes. And I want to hate you.  
  
But then I would dream of you pressed against me, enveloping me, inhaling me, so close to me that the beat of your heart echoed inside my own chest. And I wouldn't know what to do. I held still, unsure of myself, unsure of you. Should I attack you before you got the mind to attack me? Should I let my body be free to enjoy your closeness? Should I be ashamed? Should I feel betrayed by my own lusts? Should I feel like a hypocrite--wanting your death only moments before, but then suddenly wanting nothing but you?  
  
And you seemed so happy, so calm. Not at all like the obstinate fool you once were. But then I think of her. Are you the way you are because you are with me--or because she has wormed her way inside of you and changed everything that you once were?  
  
Then I remember that these are only dreams--the dreams of a half-dead woman who was dragged from the world beyond that of the living and thrust into a shell made of dirt and bone. And then I don't know what to think of these dreams, for I am more afraid of them than I am of this damned world that holds me captive.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*sniff* Poor Kikyo. I'm really loving writing this (I love to get into people's heads and try to express what I think is going on in there). Hopefully, I'm doing a good job with it. ^_^  
  
Thank all of you for your great reviews!!! I was extremely worried about this fic on account of Kikyo's unpopularity, but it seems she has a few loyal fans!!! *whew*  
  
Replies to reviewers:  
  
IsleofSolitude: Thank you so much for the compliments. I was surprised myself at how interesting my last few lines were. ^_^  
  
Lady Pyro: I've already e-mailed my reply...and its a big fat yes!! ^_^  
  
Cacat-angel: Yep, Iseult is the new Inez (man, I really loved my old pen name. I would have made a new account under it again, but I would have had to add on a letter or number...or some bullcrap like that *sigh*). Oh and thank you so much for reviewing "Tansho" as well.  
  
Shadow priestess: I'll be happy to!!!  
  
Obsidian Eclipse: Well, this isn't exactly a one-shot; there are a few more parts to go. And thank you so much for your review of "Tansho" and the link to the Adult FF site!  
  
Thank you all again!!! 


	3. Part Three

Part Three  
  
*****And the tide rushes by where we stand, And the earth underneath turns to sand, And we're waiting for someone to see. Honey, don't bail on me.*****  
  
  
  
Would it be difficult to believe me when I say that my world once revolved around you? It seems unthinkable now, after all of these years, and these many confrontations that you and I have had after my so-called resurrection. But, yes, it was once true. I had a deep longing for you, far beyond that of a lust-filled girl. It was a powerful desire that no woman--much less a priestess--should ever feel for a creature such as the one you once were.  
  
You don't know how desperately I tried to rid my mind of you. I couldn't love you. Not you, a beast by all standards. I couldn't love any man, whether he be a human or a demon. Or a half-demon.  
  
And with you, it should have been easy to stay out of love. You, a disgusting creature in the eyes of all others, should have been able to keep my eyes from attatching to you so ravenously. Why in all the hells did I love you? How in all the hells could I love you? When all other women ran from you, screaming as if they were being devoured at that very moment, why did I hunt for you? Why did I distance myself from my people just to go deeper into the forrest in search of you? Why did you fascinate me so? Your exotic appearance? Your nonchalant mien? Your lonely eyes? The way sorrow clung to you like your own skin? The way you attempted to mask the constant expression of bitterness on your face? Which of these things drew me to you?  
  
Gods, how the guilt flowed through me. Gods, how weak I was! So weak as to put my trust in you, believing that when I brought the jewel to you that day that you would purify it with me and rid both of us of our hellish lives. We would become simple human beings and be able to live simple lives, unobligated, undisturbed.  
  
And that world of mine that encircled you crumbled like an old city when I felt your claws go through me. The pain of the body wasn't even noticeable compared to the pain of the heart. All that I thought would happen for us deserted me at that very moment. And I was in so much pain. It is still beyond my knowledge as to how I dragged myself to my feet and stumbled back to the village without collapsing and giving up my soul to the Afterlife. It was as if my hatred for you was already alive and fueling me well before I died. It took all the power I had in me to lift my bow and string my arrow. The weakness of a dying body was buried deep in my bones, and as I let loose my arrow, my soul began to fly with it.  
  
I never thought that you would be silent when it hit you. But then again, I didn't expect you to cry out in pain. That was too much of a weakness, to allow pain to show through your voice. Why would you do it now, when death was staring you in the face?  
  
And you were still so beautiful. That instant that I shot you, you seemed the most alluring and gorgeous being that I had ever seen. The way you looked at me though, as if I had been the one to betray you, angered me beyond belief. Why did that have to be the last emotion that I saw plastered across your face? Betrayal? When you had been the one to betray the one you loved? Not me. How dare you.  
  
  
  
*****Tell Ma I loved a man even though I turned and ran. Lovely and fine I could have been, laying down in the palm of his hand, Laying down in the palm of his hand, Laying down in the palm of his hand, Staying down in the palm of his hand.*****  
  
  
  
But in reality, what does all of this matter to us now? I am dead. Even though I walk the earth in a body, I belong elsewhere--and I know this. My soul belongs to and with another, and even though I feel discarded and want desperately to claim it once again as my own--I know this as well. But what I do not know is what I seemingly wander this realm for.  
  
Your death.  
  
Do I long for vengeance on account of your betrayal, or on account of the longing I have for you to come with me to where we can be together for the rest of eternity? It is so disturbing that I think of your death one moment, and think of my love for you another. I wondered often what it would be like. I wondered well before my death, and still wonder now. What would it have been like if things had happened as we expected them to?  
  
If you had not stolen the jewel. If I had not imprisoned you to that tree. If I did not die and you did not sleep.  
  
If, instead, I had given you the jewel. If you had become a man. If I had become a woman. If the jewel had been purified and placed beyond the reach of the evil of the world forever.  
  
What would the two of us had done as a man and a woman? It seems so foolish to think of such unreachable things now, but I am anable to free my mind of the image of us as a husband and a wife, bound together for the remainder of our lives. Would we have been happy together? Would life have been comfortable and enjoyable for the two of us? Would I have loved you as an honorable and respectable wife should? Would you have loved me as a loyal and gentle husband should? And our children. Would we have made love to each other, and would I have given birth to your children? Would their lives be as they should, seeing as their mother was once a powerful priestess and their father was once a half-demon? Would you have protected us, your children and your wife?  
  
Or would our lives fall apart after intertwining?  
  
So many questions for someone unable to listen to me. So many questions that I will never hear the answers to. I am so weary now. So heavy-hearted that I must rise from my small fire and call to my loyal demons to fetch souls for my empty body. How I long for the Afterlife now that I am away. How I long for you now that I am unable to reach you. How confused I am at whether I want to love you as I once did...or kill you.  
  
The demons come, carrying the delicate souls in their insect-like arms. They carress me as if they love me, and I them; and I take the souls for myself and my own sad and shameful needs. And when I am full, I stare at the night and wonder if you are there somewhere, watching me closely as you once did. But I know that you are not. The past is gone and you are not there.  
  
And as the sadness of the love that I once desired so badly sinks into my sham body, I crawl into the low limbs of a near-by tree and attempt to drive away thoughts of you with sleep and dreams. But I do not succeed, for you are there as well.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N. Well, it seems like the end doesn't it? Nope, just one more part to go and a few more lines of the masterpeice "Riverwide". You should go buy The Globe Sessions just to listen to this song! It'll make you bawl *sniff*. Anyways, the last part should be posted in a few days, perhaps the middle of the week ^_^  
  
P.S. I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving!!  
  
Replies to reviewers:  
  
IsleofSolitude: Refering to Thanksgiving as Turkey day is witty enough for me! ^_^  
  
Demon-Cat: I like Kikyo too, but not better than I like InuYasha/Kagome romances. I do, however, believe that it was a shame that her and InuYasha never got a chance to love each other as they should have. I believe they could have been happy if all the shit that split them up hadn't happened. I really wanted to kinda hint at this in this fic (obviously I did a good job ^_^) Oh, thanks for the encouragement for a sequel, but it's kinda hard to write one for a songic. ^_^  
  
violettegal345: Yes, it is a little sad isn't it? But as long as I can shed some light on who I believe Kikyo really is, then I don't mind if it causes a few bawl fests (though I don't think it's THAT sad ^_^)  
  
Thanks for the reviews!!! See you soon!! 


	4. Part Four

Part Four  
  
*****In the morning you wait for the sun, And secretly hope it won't come.*****  
  
  
  
I am utterly reluctant to wake when I begin to feel warmth on my face. I want to ignore the rising sun; or rather vent all my anger, all my insecurities, all my confusion, and all my sorrows at it. Even after a night of sleeping, full to the brim of fresh souls, I am still so torn apart by my emotions that I am unsure of where I am at first. The Afterworld...or still imprisoned in this world of the dying living? I smirk at my wit, for I thought it had disipated long ago. The dying living. What a gorgeous oxymoron.  
  
But I am unable to enjoy myself for long, for the memories of the night freshen themselves in my mind with a vengeance, seeming to punish me for attempting to be happy. I still refuse to move from my sleeping place in the tree. I feel safe off the ground, and cringe when I remember yet another trait of your's, InuYasha--your inability to sleep comfortably anywhere else but in the canopy of a tree.  
  
I finally open my eyes and shift in the branch where I perch, eager to get away from the place that surfaced the memory of you. You seem to be everywhere. In everything. I seem to be unable to escape you. And I wonder to myself if you realize this.  
  
How strange everything was--how strange everything is. Then and now. There and here. Past and present. So many words to describe where we once were and where we are now. So confusing. So depressing.  
  
I drop to the soft grass below the tree, and let its morning coolness sooth me and my ruptured soul for a moment. There is fog hanging in the air, adding a mythical feel to my surroundings. I allow that to comfort me as well. I have missed this place, I realize. The land of the living. All that is in it may be dying, but they are also living--something that I am not. Well, somewhat I guess. This body of mine still baffles me. Howe real it appears and even feels, but how empty I know I truly am. I am eager to be rid of it. I am eager to return to that palce that I was torn from. Even though you are here, constantly calling to me inside of my head, I lust for the comforts of the Afterlife. The peace.  
  
  
  
*****But time washes everything clean. Honey, now don't bail on me. Don't bail on me. No, don't bail on me.*****  
  
  
  
Almost like a wave of the ocean, I feel it all at once. Washing over me, enveloping me, consuming me wholy and comfortingly. And I feel peace that I was only able to feel in that place where I journeyed after my death. But my eyes are open, and I can see that I am still very much here on the earth. But I feel the peace that I have longed for so hungrily since my resurrection.  
  
Can you see me, InuYasha? Can you see this wave of peace that has drowned me so lovingly in its waters? Can you see her as well? That girl that you cling to so honorably and loyaly? Is she there with you?  
  
I feel myself smiling in spite of my confused emotions tangling together in a web inside of me. But why do I smile? I can see the two of you there, together. Holding and breathing each other, so full of the things two people should be full of. All the things that I am empty of. So why do I smile? Is it the peace that I am happily drowning in?  
  
Dear gods, where did this come from? Are you calling me back? Please tell me that you are. Please tell me that I am returning to the place where I belong. Please. I beg of you. Take me. Let me leave behind this anger and lust for vengeance. Let me realize that it wasn't you, Inuyasha, who took my life all those years ago. If it was the demon that girl and my sister spoke of, them let it be him. Let it be the devil himself. For I know it wasn't you. I loved you. You loved me. Both of us knew--and still know. We were innocent. It was our fault for not seeing it sooner, for not acknowledging it. Forgive me for not telling you so long ago that I loved you. Forgive my cowardice. Forgive me. Forgive me, my darling, for making you sleep for so long. All alone, pinned to that tree. Forgive me so that I may return to this place in the wave of peace that I float in.  
  
Can you see me, InuYasha? If you can, then you must be able to hear me also. Listen well, then. Listen to me. Stay and be happy. I knew when I saw you after I came into this world a second time that you had been changed by her, that strange girl who holds a part of me inside of her. Let her continue to change you. Let her do for you what I longed to do myself. And let her love you, and let yourself love her--but as herself-- and not me. She freed you from the prison I put you in; now let her free all that is left of you to be freed. You soul, your heart, your mind.  
  
Remember all that is to remember of us; for I knew you as no other, and you knew me as no other. But understand this, my darling. My time came and went many years ago. But your's, InuYasha--and her's--has just begun. Together. And if you know and embrace that, then peace will find you someday as well--just as it did me.  
  
Farewell, InuYasha. Be happy.  
  
The End  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Alrighty all you Kikyo fans out there, don't you dare flame me!! *Iseult stands her ground with her long lost machete brandished* I like Kikyo of course, but I love InuYasha and Kagome. And I chose this ending because I believe it's what Kikyo deserves. She said herself that she was awakened from a sleep that she never had a desire to leave. So I took that one line of hers and created a fic where she gets her wish.  
  
Ok, you can flame if ya want...just please let it be contructive, not a piss and moan type. ^_^ Anyways, I really hope all of you loved reading this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it. I've never really poured so many emotions into one story (not to mention only one character), but I think I got what I planned for. Also, this is the shortest fic I've ever written, and the first fan fic (of any series) that I've finished!!! Yaaaayy!!  
  
Oh, and I'm thinking of a sequel for this. A quick peep into InuYasha's mind. ^_^ Hmmm? Tell me your thoughts 'cause I'm already on the look-out for a good song to convey the emotions I want expressed. Man, it's hard to find a good song for a good song fic!!!! ^_^  
  
Thanks to all the reviewers!!! I'm so grateful for all of you!!! Love and hugs for everyone!!!!! ^_^ 


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